God is it for me. He is all I need and all I want. It has taken me almost twenty years to realize this fact, but praise the Lord that I have recognized it! I have lived my life looking for love and for the first time, I am perfectly content finding that love from the Lover of my Soul, my Lord, my Jesus. That doesn't mean that this peace I find in God's love comes without work. I have been so accustomed to depending on men to fill me up emotionally. I would search that out. If I didn't have a man I felt empty and completely unworthy. When I did have a man I would build up my life with him. I would listen to his hopes and dreams and mold mine to that. It was almost as if I was asking myself the question, how can I fit into his life better? I would attach myself to him and rely on him for everything. I would put him in the center of my heart; I would put him in God's place. I needed that to feel good about myself. When I would lose him my world would shatter, but I would do anything not to lose him. Anything. That lead to a lot of heartache and unnecessary pain. The pain led me to a search for another man to fill me up. This is a cycle that continued until about four months ago. I experienced a break up unlike any I had experienced before. I was the one initiating it. I was the one taking control. I was getting myself out of a painful situation. It was liberating and completely devastating at the same time. My entire life, everything I had built for years and years, had been lost, it had been thrown to the ground in seconds. I had finally understood what it meant to be free, to be forgiven from sin. I was starting life over. It hurt for awhile. I cried everyday for about a week and I couldn't bear to be by myself for about a month after the break up. Prayer after prayer, day after day, God continued to comfort me more and more with his amazing and unending love. Eventually I stopped crying and began rejoicing. Eventually I wanted to be alone with my God, I didn't need distractions anymore. I didn't want distractions. I moved back to school and as my training to be an RA began we had a night called face to face with God. We were all put in an empty room with only a bed, a Bible, a journal, and a pen for twelve hours. God and I had some deep discussions that night. I confessed my years of sinning and I cried out to my God to save me. I asked Him to heal me, to comfort me. He came through. Trust. Surrender. Love unselfishly. That was the task God was putting in front of me. I surrendered my entire life to Him that night. I rededicated myself to Him. I had never felt so nearer to God than I did that night. The next day we left for the RA retreat. This is when I shared my story, my struggles, and my journey with an amazing woman of God that had been dealing with the same struggles. It was amazing how God used her in my life. It gave me so much encouragement to know that someone else was dealing with this too. I was not the only one. I was surrounded by all these people that were struggling but they were all still so in love with God. It was so encouraging and so powerful. So now, I'm back to the daily grind. I know my task is still the same. Surrender. Trust. Love unselfishly. The question is, how do I do that? What does that look like?
